The Exhaustion of Pretending You're Okay

Staying Silent: The Year I Lost My Voice

For years, I believed I just needed to find the right answer.

The right treatment.
The right appointment.
The right piece of information.

I was so focused on fixing what felt broken that I never stopped to ask how I was really doing.

Then a virus changed everything.

After years of struggling with infertility, I suddenly lost my voice. A virus partially paralysed my vocal cords, leaving me unable to speak properly for almost a year.

At the time, it felt like yet another thing going wrong.

But looking back, I can see that it became one of the biggest turning points of my life.

In this episode, I share the story of losing my voice, what that experience taught me about slowing down, self-compassion and the mind-body connection, and how it ultimately led me to create The Fertility Sanctuary.

This isn't a story about finding a silver lining.

It's a story about what happened when life forced me to stop long enough to finally listen.

If you've been pushing through, carrying everything alone, or feeling disconnected from yourself, I hope this episode offers you permission to pause and ask a different question.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free fertility meditations
• Additional support through The Fertility Sanctuary and The Fertility Nurture Hub CIC

Visit:
www.thefertilitysanctuary.com

www.fertilitynurturehub-365.com

And wherever you are on your journey today, remember:

Sometimes the answers we're searching for aren't found by pushing harder.

Sometimes they're found in the pause.

If this episode resonated with you and you'd like a little extra support between episodes, you'll find my free fertility meditations and resources at https://thefertilitysanctuary.com/innersanctuarytw

And if you know someone who might need to hear this today, please feel free to share this episode with them.

Until next time, take care.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

host 1:46

Hiya. Today I'd like to share a story that became a fundamental turning point during my fertility journey. At the time, I didn't realize it was a turning point. In fact, it just felt like Another thing going wrong I'd already been struggling with infertility for several years. I was heartbroken, exhausted, constantly searching for answers, looking for the next thing that might help, the next treatment, the next appointment, the next piece of information that might finally be the missing puzzle piece I was looking for. And whilst all that was going on, I was still working as a midwife, still supporting other people, still showing up, still trying to keep everything together. And then suddenly everything changed. I caught a bug, a virus. Big deal, I hear you say, and that's what I thought initially. But this one was different This one took away my voice, not just for a few days, but for a year. It partially paralyzed my vocal cords, and I had to learn how to speak again At the time, I was devastated. I remember thinking, "What on earth is going on?" You think the worst when these things happen suddenly and out of the blue. I never knew a virus could do something like that As though infertility wasn't already enough to be going through, life has decided to throw one more thing at me, I suddenly couldn't communicate. I couldn't work all I could see was what I had lost, and that was my confidence, my identity. It lasted so long, I forgot what my voice sounded like But looking back now, I see something very different. I see the moment my life interrupted me, because up until that point, I'd spent years looking outside of myself for all of my answers, desperately trying to fix the problem, desperately trying to make things happen, trying to have some kind of control over my body and my ability to be able to get pregnant, to be a mum, and trying to just grab onto anything that felt controllable. And then suddenly, I couldn't keep doing what I'd always done. My body forced me to stop. And in that pause, something unexpected happened I began to listen. Not to experts, not to Google, not to everyone else's opinion, but to myself, to my body. For the first time in a very long time, I began asking different questions How am I really doing? What do I need? What am I carrying? What am I avoiding? What am I not saying? Rather than, "Why can't I get pregnant? Will it be this month? Why can everyone else manage it and I can't?" And that was the beginning of everything starting to change. Now, I do want to be clear about something. I'm not saying my emotions caused my vocal cord paralysis, the virus caused that. But I do believe our minds and bodies are deeply connected, and looking back, I can't ignore how symbolic that feels. Whilst I was learning to use my voice again physically, I was also beginning to find my voice emotionally. For years, I carried so much pain, fear, and grief quietly, in silence sometimes. I didn't really have anybody I could fully confide in that understood, so I kept going, kept coping, kept functioning, and kept hiding behind my uniform every day at work, being the professional, but hiding all my pain. And underneath all of that, there was a part of me that desperately, desperately needed to be heard. Perhaps that's why this experience became such a turning point because it led me to things I'd never explored before. Things like mindset, meditation, relaxation, self-compassion, the power of slowing down, the importance of creating space. And eventually, it led me here to The Fertility Sanctuary, to this podcast, to supporting women and their partners who are carrying things they often feel they have to carry alone and have no one to talk to. If you told me back then that losing my voice would eventually help me find it, I don't think I would've believed you. I wondered if it would ever come back again. But that's exactly what happened. Not because the experience was easy, not because I would choose it again, but because it changed the way I saw myself. And I wonder whether something in your own journey might be asking you to do the same. Not to find a silver lining, definitely not to be grateful for the pain, but to pause even briefly and ask yourself, "What might I hear if I stopped pushing through for a moment and started listening to myself and my body instead?" Sit with that for as long as you need. There's no rush, no wrong answer And if this stirred something in you, I'd love to hear your voice, and I'd love to hear from you And if you're ready for a little support in creating those moments of quiet and truly listening to yourself, my meditations are there for you whenever you need them. The link is in the show notes as always. And thank you so much once again for spending this time with me today. Remember to be gentle with yourself this week, and I'll see you in the next episode